a year ago on my birthday, i jumped off a cliff and into a foamy waterfall in the lush mountains of Jamaica.
at the bottom, a rope awaited to keep me from getting ravaged by the rushing current. it feels important to note: i have a fear of heights that often freezes my entire body and forces me to pause, tune-in, and practice serious awareness and reframing. on the first day of 2019, while on a 13-mile “category: strenuous/difficult” hike up a mountain to see glaciers in the patagonian region of chile, i saw this play out in its most acute form. when i was just 30 minutes from reaching the glacier base at the top of the hike, my body froze entirely and i melted on to the ground, slowly curled into a small ball while squatting down - for a few moments that felt like hours, i was in complete lack of control of my somatic response. i felt like a helpless child, confused by what exactly was unfolding and how to address it. trekkers walked past me trying to help me get up and keep hiking, many of them being white people fluent in the language of toxic positivity! i was overwhelmed by the stimuli and fear. eventually, an older chilean man walked by and blurted out in spanish to these would-be encouragers, “leave her alone, she just needs to breathe. let her come to it.” and slowly i emerged out of the panic freeze; i was able to breathe again. sometimes just being seen by others in your time of need feels like the rope you need to grasp on to in that charging waterfall.
needless to say, i do not take my fear of heights lightly.
last year, back in jamaica, after numerous encouraging monologues from our guide and all my friends, i was ultimately able to make the leap off the cliff while trusting myself and interlocking hands with my dear friend Sabrina, my heart sinking and bouncing into my chest as i was in free-fall. while reliving the memory this morning, i uncovered a larger through line of the lessons i need to remember more keenly around trust and needing.
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